New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #360

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

"The procedure is very routine, I'd even call it pedestrian."--Dex (JUDGE'S COMMENT: A great cap because it is both obvious and ironic. Just so you know: This contest was posted some time in December 2012 and these results are being posted in February 2013. I mention that for the sake of full disclosure but I want to make it clear that I don't know and don't care what the actually winning entry was. Still, this could have won. That's all I'm saying.)

SECOND PLACE

According to the Bloomberg Health guidelines, you've eaten your last piece of meat.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: NYC's mayor-for-life acts like a third world dictator. He gets away with it because he looks like a kindly neighbor who favors cardigans. I don't like him even if he keeps the trains running on time.)

THIRD PLACE

"Next, duck into that alley and give me your shorts ... That way I'll have urine, blood, semen, and fecal samples!"--Dr Sumguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: So he is bleeding, shitting and pissing in his pants while also ejaculating? I'm with you so far. But isn't that is a unique fetish. Reminds me of a joke: Why is urine yellow and semen white? So you can tell if you are coming or going.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS

"I prefer to treat acute flatulence in a pedestrian manner."--Anonymous (JUDGE'S COMMENT: On a windy day, one would assume.)

You're having problems with your joints? Let me roll you one.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I have often wondered if this regular Anti-Capper's name means what I think it means. Now I know.)

Although doing a rectal exam remains a significant challenge, I've got the got the al fresco yearly physical pretty much nailed.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: This is included because it is the rare cap that includes the word “al” but does not appear to be mocking the judge.)

"Heart of mine, go back home 
You got no reason to wander, no reason to roam"--RZ (JUDGE'S COMMENT: “If you can't do the time, don't do the crime, heart of mine.” And yes, I know what RZ stands for.)

“You see me on the street, you always act surprised
You say, "How are you? Good luck," but you don't mean it
When you know as well as me you'd rather see me paralyzed
Why don't you just come out once and scream it?”


---Bobby Z (JUDGE'S COMMENT: I really do wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes [which are usually Reebok sneakers] )

I'm not shitting you, al. There is proven correlation between erectile dysfunction and procrastination.--boneguy (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Never mistake motion for progress or a hand-job for the real thing—I always say. )

"Oh, good, Al is doing us next - hey, don't get a heart-on over it!"--NJ-to-TX (JUDGE'S COMMENT: Hold still. I'll do ya!)

“Sorry, al . . . I am detecting no heartbeat in there whatsoever . . . your street cred has expired.”
---blw (JUDGE'S COMMENT: That which has never existed cannot expire. I think Spock said that once to Kirk.)